My Journal

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 03:22:20 GMT

Its been a while. I know I said id be trying to write everyday. but you know its really hard to do that for me. I feel shitty alot of the time. And Im tired of whining on LJ about it. I feel pretty okay today. definitely not happy. but not unbearabley deppressed either. Im spending the night with Amanda tonite. She and Wes are living at Johnnys now. And of Course Sherri and the baby too. Ie missed our little family in norfolk. And the person I miss most isnt here..... and I guess its a good thing that hes not. I think about him...alot. I think about the good times alot. The way things used to be before his wife came back. How everyone in the apartment was a family. How laughing made all the little problems just dissapear. How easy it was to be myself when I was on my own. Its hard living back with my mom. Its hard having to ask to do things, and act like...a child agsin. At least thats the way it feels. I dont know I missed mom..I did... but I still feel out of place. Thins with school are going well. Things are moving along quite nicely. Went shopping for my dorm the other night. It was excitng and very overwhelming.

Things with Trinity are confusing. Things wit Brandon are confusing...

I dunno sometimes I feel like the only thing guys are good at.... is dissapearing.

Well thats all for now. Im tired....

I love writing in my journal.

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 02:42:28 GMT

Why do I only post when Im in a bad mood or have an epiphany?
That doesnt make since.

Im going to try and write everyday.
I find that to be an excellent idea.
To chart plans, memories, goals and important shit I feel I need to document.

So Today at work was such a pain. I mean honestly It feels like Im working my ass off just to pay bills. I work in a poorly run corporation that cares more about their customers than their own employees. Im not making enough money.

Anywho. Im applying as a waitress at P.F.Changs. Its a ritzy high class restaurant. You can make up to 250 a night in tips. Much better than 350 every two weeks. Plus I think Id enjoy my job alot more. Thered be more incentive to go to work. To work hard to make those tips. Yes Ill deal with assholes. yes Ill get stiffed a couple times. But things will definitely weigh themselves out. I have to recolor my hair. Pink hair isnt proffesional enough for that job. But I feel good about what Im going to do with it.

I need a better job to save up for a cushion to lean on when Its time to head off to school. I only have 4 full months to save up.

Ive already gotten my bedding for the dorm, and a lamp. Im going to buy things periodically while its still college kid season and I can get some stuff pretty cheap. I know Ill be accepted again, so thats really not an issue. Putting together my updated portfolio is another story when Im working almost 40 hours a week.... but right now its a priority on my next day off.
I also need to get my high school transcripts resent. Yay for dealing with suffolk public schools again. Essay on a new piece of art. No biggie. Im amazing with words.

Family things feel too nice. Its like Im not sure when the storms gonna roll back in. But Ive got 4 months until Im out and I wont have to deal with them for another 5-6 months. Until I come home for summer. THEN I GO BACK. YES!!!!

The icecream man (who happens to be gorgeous) has an uber crush on me.

I decided Trinity is a piece of shit, and I dont know if he really deserves me.

I havent called him and surprise..he hasnt called me either.
pfft. whatever.
Hes a drug child anyway. No matter how tight his body is. (but damn that eight pack..and those hip bones....and those pecks ...and arms) Oops wrong track. Ya hes kindof a shitty boyfriend. If thats what you call him.

Anyways. Brandons birthday was yesterday.... Richs is tomorrow.
I miss Bran.
I miss Rich sometimes too.

But Bran is so confusing. And Rich is so.... Rich.....

Jeff got two snakes today & Im claiming one of them.
Shes beautiful.
Im gonna take some pictures with her soon, once I get my hair done.
Much love all.

-out

AFFAIRS, KARAOKE & EMERGENCY ROOMS

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 13:25:46 GMT

Last night= the most drama Ive ever had to deal with.

-end

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 23:10:39 GMT

I am a solitary individual.
I need to be alone.
Otherwise I let people get close to me.
People only get close to me for one reason,.
And thats to use me for everything I have and then toss me out to the fucking curb.
Im really not down with that anymore.
Im really not cool with people fucking stepping on me every chance they get and no longer will I allow people to do this.

So dont even think about it.
Im so tired of the same thing every time.\

Im so happy.
and then I get hurt. It happens over and over again. Im not gonna dpo it anymore.
Im not gonna deal with this antymore.

and thats fucking final.

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 08:32:23 GMT

Me and Bran decided to chill for a while.
Its just too intense.

My mom kicked me out of the house.
Completely.
My whoel family disowned me,.
xcept my grandparents and shit.

Sailor Jerry
NJew best freiend.

Loicving with katies ex and his roomaters.
Half my shitr is gone.
nothing to expand on cuz Im drunk and lazy.

work 9 am.
sweettttttt

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 23:01:03 GMT

Brandon Lee Combs.
hmm.

Hes coming over tomorrow so we can talk about what we want in this relationship. And Im kinda scared about it.
what do I want?
Do I really wanna delve into a relationship and try to live the fairytale?
Isnt that what I always wanted?
Am I just gonna get hurt again?
Would Bran hurt me?
Do I really like him that much?

He plays fucking comedy on XM radio in the car.
24/7 its on.
He lives 30 mins away.
He dissed Tim Burtons Batman movies.
Hes an ebay whore.
He loves rock climbing.
He has enormous feet.

But...
He introduces me to new amazing music and movies and books.
He kisses me and everything bad in the world dissapears.
Hes got the prettiest brown eyes, and the nicest tummy.
He holds me so tight.
god. I dont know.
I like him alot.
But I dont know....

I dont wanna like him.
As soon as I fall for him..... He'll dissapear from my life.
Because thats the way it always goes with anything that makes me happy.

I think Ill cook him dinner tomorrow night.
And maybe go to the beach and talk under the stars where its nice and quiet just him and me.....

I dont think I can handle a relationship right now.
I have too much shit in my life already.
I mean what about Trinity?
Hes so much fun.
Even though hes a wham bam thankyou mam kinda guy, He always brings good drugs. And I turn into a kid around him. We just always find trouble and have adventures.
I dunno. Hes not date-able.
But Im gona miss him.
And Rich is all up on my nuts. He knows about Bran. And hes still on my nuts.
wtf?

Im gonna have to sacrifice alot of good times to be with Bran.
.
..
...
Maybe hes exactly what I need....
but I dont know if Im ready for it.

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 17:58:03 GMT

This is my man.

We really fit together well.

Last night was incredible....
You have no idea.
I cant even explain it to you.
oh my god.

mih yrram ot tnaw I

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 23:55:19 GMT

So lets see.....

So much has happened.
uhm.
Alot of late nights.
Alot of alcohol and drugs.
Alot of brandon not knowing about these late nights.

Hes coming over tonight.
Then were going to see harry potter at midnight.....
sweet.

uhm.
nothing real big to report...
except I work too much.
I dont see my man enough.
and Kelli is with me everynight almost.
I wish BJ would take her back.
>.>
and that Mindless self indulgence is one of my new favorite bands.
>.<
whatev.

good things to come.

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 04:24:52 GMT

So Me and Brandon saw transformers last night.
We had to go the 12:50am showing, so he picked me up around 9.
We went to the ocean front and bought badass cigarettes.
He kept giving me the eye. you know the one where you know hes thinking good things about you?
The cashier guy was drooling over me and hitting on me pretty hard.
He acted a little protective.
He dropped my hand and put his arm around me.
It was sweet.
Then we drove around aimlessly for about an hour and a half listening to MSI.
I needed a cigarette at one point, so we pulled over into the mall parking lot. We just sat there on the trunk of his car talking.
He kissed me so tenderly. You know the sweet triple peck that makes you feel important?
Some guy came walking up towards our general direction, and he pulled out his knife just holding it at his side.

For the first time in over a year I felt safe with another person.
And Im glad it was with him.

The movie was really good.
Overall, It was an excellent night.
Today was crazy.
Ill post tomorrow night all about it.
Lots of pictures too.
^.^

Happy fourth of July everyone!

wats wrong with me?

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 04:25:46 GMT

Its weird.
I blew off keagans and Jager bombs last night.

why might you ask would I do such a treturous thing?
Cuz Brandon wanted to take me out for icecream at brusters.
We sat there at a picnic table under the stars and ate our frozen treats.
And With his hand clutching on to mine, the moment felt right.
For once I felt like nothing could touch me.
We sat out there and just talked for over an hour.

I thought I had given up on boys.
But then I met Brandon.... and since then things have been different.

By the way Ratatoulli.....
is an excellent movie.....
(especially when you have a gorgeous guy throwing mike n ikes at you and stealing kisses)

^_^

By the way Im also the first cashier to ever get employee of the month.
I cant believe I still work at bed bath and beyond.....
but Im getting a $25 gift card to the cheesecake factory.
So Brandons taking me there to celebrate !!!!!
sweeeeeeeeet.

lyfes gud...

Drugs are so much better than boys

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 05:38:34 GMT

"Can I get one of those whippits?"

"you got the wa-wa's?"

"Shes okay thats just the way she laughs"

"Fucking chinese food feels like dynamite to my intestines"
-"Chinese food is good for you."

""Can I hit that balloon?"

"Wheres the cracker?"

"I cant get it. Some one crack this shit for me"

"It turns your brain into cat food."
-"Its fucking chinese cuisine."

"Its a neccesity to go smoke a cigarette after every three whippits,or if you go a whole 6 you get to bring a double hit balloon with you."

"The heat lightning was beautiful from your balcony, and them shits made it so art-tastic."

"Ill let you hit the bong twice if you make me a double hitter balloon."

"No, no...nitrous oxide isnt testable in your system, cops cant bust you unless you have it on you"
-"But I got 13 on me."
--Hide them under the seat, and be not high."

listen to this song

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 01:58:17 GMT

Water creeps
Through the windows, up the stairs

Chilling rain
Like an ocean everywhere

Don't wanna reach for me do you
I mean nothin to you
The little things give you away

And now there will be no mistakin
The leveys are breakin

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under water
I
Do

Hope decays
Generations disappear

Washed away
As a nation simply stares

Don't wanna reach for me do you
I mean nothin to you
The little things give you away

But there will be no mistakin
The leveys are breakin

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under water
I
Do

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

And six feet under ground now
I
Now I do

Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away
Little things give you away

Little things give you away

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

Little things give you away

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

Little things give you away

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

Little things give you away

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

Little things give you away

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

Little things give you away

All you've ever wanted
Was someone to truly look up to you

Little things give you away

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 08:22:19 GMT

I got robbed tonight.
My purse was stolen.
Along with my money, bank cards, credit cards, licensce, Social security card, House keys, cigarettes and everything else I had with me, and was left stranded in portsmouth with no way home.

I had my cell phone thank god, and called the cops.
They wouldnt take me home.
Katie had to come get me.

Noone knew where I was.
Because I was trying to be grown.
And Go off with a boy who told me I was beautiful.
And ended up leaving me with one of his boys who decided to rob me and leave me in the worst ghetto of portsmouth there is.

Words cant express how I feel right now.
How am I gonna explain this to my mom?

Soon itll be morning and Ill have to tell my parents what happened.
How I lied to them AGAIN.
To go meet a boy AGAIN.

All because I thought maybe this once Ill meet a good guy.
Maybe Ill find a guy who wants to love me.

I was wrong....
again.

I was stupid....
again.

This will probably be my last entry for awhile.
Cells good.

I dont think I can handle much more...

When I was raped and sodomized and all that shit back in october, I thought I would never be the same.... and Im still not... but I was getting there... I wasnt having the nightmares everynight, or flinching everytime someone touched me, I wasnt crying myself to sleep.

I was getting better.
But After tonight...
I realize that you can never trust anyone....
that noone will ever love me forever...
that Im not good enough for this world...

Bad things happen to me.
Theyve beeen happening since I was 4 years old.
I guess Itll always be that way.....
until the day I die...

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 03:32:54 GMT

Ive been working my ass off as of late.
I barely ever get to see my friends.
Or work on my art.

But I didn finally get half way finished with a horse drawing. I havent done the background yet. But Its pretty decent so far.

The Flash practically erased the front legs....
but you get the general idea.
The background I just started.
Detail willbe added soon.
Im also going to sharpen the image a little more.
Seems a little dull and smooth to me.
But Im working really hard at refining my talents.
I know I am an excellent artist.
But my portfolio is not good enough.
So Im working towards making it breathe taking.

Let me know what you think...
please! ! !
I spend way too much money on art technique books, and art supplies.
But Its what I do.
So Fuck off.
haha.

Im really nervous about January....
you have no idea.

BY THE WAY MM'S NEW ALBUM IS THE BOMB SHIT.
YES I BOUGHT IT THE DAY IT CAME OUT.
GO BUY IT.
BITCHES.
Anyways work early tomorrow.
Gotta get some sleep.
^_^

~ >.< ~ FUCKsjmandv;gfn

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 04:01:39 GMT

So I got to see Rich today.
It was awesome.
We sword fought in the middle of the street.
Hes finally back from NC, so Ill see him all the time again.
...
.....
I miss Trin.
A-lot.
: /
It fucking sucks.

Im juggling all these other guys too.
and they are so fucking needy.

fuck boys.
god. fuck em.

Im gonna finish this bottle of malibu, and go to bed.
I have work in the morning.
ugh.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 23:54:26 GMT

It hasnt even been 24 hours since Trin was in my bed...and I already miss him.
He should move in with me.

Jarred just left for two weeks. Fuck em.

Batman is too busy for me. Fuck em.

Captain is my brothers friend. Fuck him too.

I wish I didnt like Trin so much. And I wish he didnt run his finger across my cheek and stare into my eyes. I wish he wouldnt tell me how perfect I am. I wish He would stop holding me so close....

I refuse to fall for him.

"and the shadow of the day will embrace the world in gray...
and the sun will set for you....."

Trin-Trin Trinity

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 04:04:11 GMT

hahah
hahahahaahahah.

This has been the craziest fucking weekend ever.

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 04:01:05 GMT

Bekka finally got a cell phone.
Verizon LG EnV.
Its sexy. I wanna make love to it.
number is 757-705-9088
Call meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

(Bekka is in debt, probably a thousand dollars)
hahahahhahahahahahahah.

Got the new Linkin Park too.
Excellent so far.

real update?

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 03:51:59 GMT

God....
I really miss Rich.
Hes been in NC since February.
I feel like Im never gonna see him again.
I feel like Ive lost my one true homie.
G-1 is falling apart.
My airsoft guns havent been fired since hes been gone.
I havent worn my goggles and fishnets since hes been gone.
I havent almost been knocked unconcious from his headbutts since hes been gone.
I most definitely havent drank guiness and watched porn til 4 in the morning since hes been gone.

Rich is my best friend.
I want him to come home and kick my ass.
; (

Boys are stupid.
I hate them.
Ive come to the coclusion no guy will EVER be good enough for me.
But I do have myself, and I gotta admit having me around is pretty badass.
*brushes shoulder off*

Im turning into an alcoholic.
I have stopped smoking pot pretty much altogether though.
eh you win some you lose some.

Im working about 37.5 hours a week now.
Training to be a supervisor.
But Ill probably be leaving by the time I get a set of keys.
Oh well.

I found out Captain really likes me, but doesnt wanna risk his relationship with Andy and the rest of my family by dating me, but He doesnt know what the future holds for us.
*rolls eyes*
It sucks, but hes right.
Ill see him on Sunday night at Keagans.

Batman should be coming around soon.
Ex-to the -cited

Trinity is coming over this weekend.
To buy an ounce from Andy and have a sleepover with me.

oh and by the way theres this new guy.
Jarred.
Fucking navy guys.
I saw him...last night.?
I think.
kinda hott...funny.....but slightly boring.
Im out of his league and he knows it.

Im juggling way too many guys right now.
Talk about fucking drama.

And to top it all off, Brian is moving to va beach to stalk me even closer.
Its disgusting. Hes like a leech you cant pull off.

bed time for me.

SuBjEcT OvErLoAd

Thu, 31 May 2007 05:24:17 GMT

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PASTE
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Cut

System Failure Systwem Faileure Suydsterm Fakucimlufre Sdlkyhnsdtgneuim Fgzadfihylxdujkrcve Slksdngbfn F;kajnfn;vjfc LAKgn:JLFgfllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllzxfldfkdlnhhhhhhhh00000000000000000000000000000000000

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Wed, 30 May 2007 14:13:50 GMT

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made
It's easier to go
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave

Wed, 23 May 2007 05:06:35 GMT

Boys are complicated and full of drama.

I have 4 guys obsessed with me, and I treat them like shit, Im mean to them I tell them I cant stand them and never wanna see them again. But they wont leave me alone .I cant seem to shake them.
Really, Its annoying.
I just wanna punch them in the throat.

I like 2 guys right now. I went out a couple times with Batman. I havent met a guy like that in a long time. He was awesome. He opened doors, paid and kissed me so perfectly. But he works like 50 hours a week plus school, and has no time to call me let alone see me. But I really like him, and Im excellent at hiding it...
The other is my brothers friend, Captain. Hes 26, Ive known him for almost a year. (me and Katie go to Keagans Bar on Karaoke night now, and Hes always there) We started talking and hanging out more one on one recently. Hes as smart as me. Wants to be a director. Listens to good music. Plus hes cute. ^.^
Last sunday, He bought me shots..... and we danced together during rap songs.... It was him behind me, Alex to my side and nicole in front of me. I was sandwiched in between three gorgeous people grinding their pubic bones into me. And honestly Captain is the only one I was really concerned about.
Captain doesnt look at me like Andys kid sister. He looks at me the way I want to be looked at..and that makes me feel special.

Anyways...
I dont know who I like more...
Captain or Batman.

But It really doesnt matter anyways....
Because Im leaving in January....
But It would be nice to find a companion until then.

Its my decision

Tue, 22 May 2007 01:34:46 GMT

Ive made alot of mistakes in my life.
Ive lost alot of great people.
Ive taken alot of chances...too many chances sometimes...

But theres one chance I didnt take.....
and Ive made up my mind.
I know what I have to do to be happy.
Its gonna be hard.
Its gonna be alot of work.
But Its just something I have to do....
...for me.
Or else Im gonna regret not taking the chance for the rest of my life.

Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me
Around the lake tonight
Around the lake tonight
By my side
By my side
I'm not gonna lie
I'll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse
I'll show you my dark secret

I'm not gonna lie
I want you for mine
My blushing bride
My lover, be my lover, yeah...

Don't be afraid
I didn't mean to scare you
So help me, Jesus

I can promise you
You'll stay as beautiful
With dark hair
And soft skin...forever
Forever

Make up your mind
Make up your mind
And I'll promise you
I will treat you well
My sweet angel
So help me, Jesus

(hey, hey, hey)

Give it up to me
Give it up to me
Do you wanna be
My angel?
So help me!

Be my angel
Be my angel
Do you wanna die?
I promise you
I will treat you well
My sweet angel
So help me, Jesus

Jesus
Jesus
Jesus...

my Batman<3

Fri, 11 May 2007 03:17:24 GMT

Who could resist that face?
Like really?

o.o
not I.

wow

Thu, 10 May 2007 06:20:50 GMT

So Batman is my favorite.
He is the most awesome guy Ive met in over a year.
Stephen rocks my socks off.

Did he really open the car door for me?
Ya uhm he totally did....

did my entire body really melt when he kissed me?
It most definitely did.

Its about time I met a guy worth my time.....

: )

Disturbia.
Excellent movie.
Loved it.

and the company was even better...
XD